How We Made a Baby as a Lesbian Couple

Our personal story of how we how we made a baby as a lesbian couple.  A follow-up to How Lesbians Make Babies, we walk through all the decision we made resulting in our tiny bundle of joy.  

This post originally appeared on Our Toasty Life

In this post, we focus solely on the decisions we made and steps we followed to get pregnant.  If you need a refresher on acronyms or what our options were, please take another look at How Lesbians Make Babies – and all you questions should be answered!

How we made our baby:

1. Family Planning
2. Decided to use Tara’s Eggs & She would Carry
3. Decided to go with an anonymous donor
4. Decide to inseminate via IUI
5. Picked our  Sperm Donor (a total Fox!)
6. Ordered Sperm and Set Delivery Date
7. Went through fertility treatments (Clomid + HCG)
8. Got Inseminated
9. Conceived (on our first try!)

1. Family Planning

Tara and I have both always known we wanted to be moms.  Because of this, the question was never if, but when; how many; and whom would go first.  We both also wanted to actually be pregnant.  I am a bit of an overachiever and perfectionist, so I have always had in mind what I wanted my life to be before having kids.  Generally I wanted to be super happy/secure in my relationship (check! – 13 years and going strong:)), own a home (check), and be in a great place financially.  The last bit is the one that’s kinda vague… because in the Silicon Valley you can literally be in the top 5%  nationally and still be struggling.  After we bought our house last August we said we would start getting seriously about starting our family after the holidays.  1/1/15 Tara was ready and we started our journey to mommyhood.

2. Decided to use Tara’s Eggs & She Would Carry

Since we both want to get pregnant as some point, financially it made sense to use the same egg as whoever was carrying.  Next we decided who would get pregnant first.  We made a list based on financials, age, health, work flexibility, empathy, etc. and the choice was clear for us –  Tara to go first.  We both felt great about this and the decision and this was probably the easiest decision for us out of the whole process.

3. Decided to use Anonymous Sperm Donor

From the very beginning Tara wanted to go through a sperm bank… I was a bit more open to exploring other options.  I had this idea that it would be great to find someone that isn’t in my immediate circle of trust, but a friend’s circle of trust.  When we were at parties I would typically tell people we’re going to be looking for sperm and to let me know if they had anyone in mind – half joking half totally serious.  There weren’t any great fits, so we decided to go with a sperm bank and decided we wanted to choose an open donor (kids have the option of contacting at 18 if they want). Why?  because options are great!

4. Decided to Inseminate via IUI

Tara’s family have historically been great baby makers with zero fertility issues, so we were hoping that we wouldn’t need too much help.  We talked it over during our first fertility appointment with our doctor and decided to do IUI with clomid and HCG.  This is a pretty typical protocol for lesbian couples inseminating.  Knowing how you will inseminate is important because sperm is prepared differently depending on what you decide.  We knew from the get-go that we wanted to do IUI (because it has higher success rates than ICI).  

5.Picked our Sperm Donor (A Total Fox!)

Donor Attributes

Initially, I really liked the idea of using one sperm donor for both of us.  After we started looking at available sperm we discovered that this was basically impossible.  There is TONS of white sperm… and a very limited amount of all other ethnicities of sperm – and specifically for us there were about a dozen partial filipino sperm donors.  So we made the executive decision to use different sperm donors that were a similar makeup of each other.  Since Tara was going to get pregnant first, that meant selecting a donor that was German/Norwegian/Irish descent with blond hair and light eyes.  We also wanted someone who was over 25 (so they fully understood what they were getting into) and a college grad. For me it was also really important to choose an open donor.

Sperm Bank Selection

We looked at the 3 major sperm banks available in California Cryobank, Fairfax, and The Sperm Bank of California.  After looking at what information the different sperm banks provide and what sperm was available, we decided that we like California Cryobank the best.  We especially liked that they provide childhood photo and audio interviews for every donor with 11 other pieces of information.  This made us feel like we had enough information to make an informed decision on selecting our donor.  

Actually Selecting a Donor

I think this is one of the hardest decisions we’ve made… definitely harder than choosing which college to attend, or which house to buy… it’s seriously SO scary.  The decision is forever and it’s your future baby…We started with ethnicity, education, age, height, eye color and hair color.  This narrowed down the list to about 12 donors.  Then we read the 1-page assessment of each and narrowed it down to 4.  Then we listened to the 30-45 minute audio interview of the 4 and that got us down to two.  We read all the other information that was available and ended up both having a favorite!  

6. Ordered Sperm & Set Delivery Date

Sperm is shipped in a giant tank with liquid nitrogen which stays good for 7 days.  We knew we were going to inseminate during Tara’s May ovulation and that she typically ovulated on day 15 of her cycle.  You need to drop the sperm off a day before (so it can thaw) and the actual insemination date might be a day before or after depending on how your eggs respond to the fertility drugs.  With that in mind we tentatively would inseminate on the 18th so we scheduled the sperm drop off for the 14th.

7. Went through Fertility Treatments (Clomid + HCG)

On day 1 of her cycle Tara went in for in a vaginal ultrasound to see how her uterus was looking (and it was looking good!).  Then on day 5 of her cycle she started taking Clomid and took it for 5 days.   On day 11 she went back in for another vaginal ultrasound to see how her follicles were responding to the Clomid.  She had 2 follicles that were big enough to be viable for pregnancy (which was good – you want at least 1, hopefully more).  Then they mixed the HCG shot for her and she gave herself the trigger shot 36 hours before insemination (on day 13 of cycle).

8. Got Inseminated

On the morning of the insemination (day 15) I dropped our our tank-o-sperm to the doctors at 7:30 AM then headed to work (this was so the sperm could thaw).  We went in for our 3PM appointment and it took less than 10 minutes for the insemination.  They inserted a tiny catheter into Tara’s uterus.  Tara said this was about as much discomfort as a shot with a tiny cramp.  Then they inserted the sperm.  They said we could lay down for 10 minutes if we wanted to, but that part was totally optionally and more of a tradition.

9. Conceived (On the first try!)

This waiting period is the hardest and there are TONS of blood test.  Because Tara went through fertility treatments there are more tests than just the usual pregnancy test.  

The first is Progesterone Level test on day 21 of cycle.  They want to see that your body is producing progesterone.  10+ is good, and we got an 11.   This doesn’t mean your pregnant, it just means that your body ovulated and has the right environment to support a pregnancy.  

Waiting to see if you’re pregnant is so crazy… it’s a combo of being totally excited but trying not to get your hopes up too much just in case you’re not pregnant.  The absolute earliest you can detect is 5 days before your missed period.   So on day T-5 Tara woke up around 6AM, went to the bathroom, peed on the stick and came back to bed.  I was quasi awake since it was 6 AM on a saturday, she asked me to go check it, i did, AND WE WERE PREGNANT.  It was like an instant jolt of love, happiness, excitement and relief all in a single moment.  I walked out of the bathroom, looked and Tara with the biggest smile on my face.  She asked, “Are we?”  and I screamed, “YES!”  I jumped back into bed and we hugged and cried and just basked in the pure joy of the moment.  

Then we have the two actual pregnancy test at from the doctors.  The first to confirm you are actually pregnant and see what you HCG levels are – Tara’s were good.  Then because it’s a pregnancy through the fertility center they do another test to make sure you HCG levels are increasing in a normal way – and Tara’s were.  by end of June we were officially pregnant and promoted to our regular OB GYN.  

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